HP Lovecrafts The Tomb (2007)

Have you ever seen a movie that made you want to fill your ears with super glue and gouge your eyes out with an ice pick? If so, and you are in fact deaf and blind, I would definitely recommend strolling down to your local Blockbuster and picking up a movie entitled "The Tomb," or "HP Lovecraft's The Tomb" to be more precise.
"The Tomb" begins in a large warehouse where an unknown villain has left a collection of victims in varying states of injury, to piece together his mysterious identity. This evil ring leader relays messages to the two main characters, a pretty, talentless blond and an overweight bald dude reminiscent of 'Kyle Gas,' through tape and video recordings. He goes by the alias "Puppetmaster" and watches his victims struggle via closed circuit surveillance. Sound familiar? Oh yeah, and there's a really creepy animatronic doll, although it just seems to be one of an endless amount of props set around the warehouse, with no purpose other than to distract you from the unbelievably bad acting and paper mache gore, and to help stretch a 30 minute "Saw"rip off into a full length feature.
In case you're not too keen on subtle sarcasm, "The Tomb" is one of the worst movies I have ever seen, and that's saying a lot since I've seen every film ever made by Wes Craven. However, despite this movie being a near perfect representation of the worst of the worst in B horror flicks, notice that I have not said that it is the worst I have ever seen, and that's because this movie does break away from the "Saw" path when the heroine escapes the warehouse and is given a car, a buttload of cash, and a manuscript. If you think that's a pretty surprising twist, wait 'til you find out that the maniac tracks down his only surviving victim to give her an ultimatum: Have sex with me or I take the goods back. Kinda makes you wonder what would have happened had the 'Kyle Gas' character survived...
I really have no problem giving this movie a 4.5/10 due to it's slow pace and overall amateur feeling, however one should keep in mind I would have rated it a 2.0 had it not been for the refreshingly original ending.

Prom Night (1980)

Sometimes while watching genre horror films from the 70's and 80's, with my feet up on the coffee table and a glass of wine in my hand, I find myself wondering, "why is Jamie Lee Curtis famous?"
I mean really. She's been cast in some pretty memorable scream queen roles, but am I the only one who notices her lack of, oh I don't know, 'talent?' Do you think it's a coincidence there's so little dialog in "Halloween?" The open-mouthed gawk and glazed over look in your eyes gets old fast, Jamie. Good thing you're skinny with big boobs. Hmmm, I think I just answered my own question.
"Prom Night," starring Jamie Lee Curtis if you hadn't already figured that out, is about a masked murderer who stalks four teens connected to an accidental death that occurred 7 years prior. If I said that all this takes place on the night of the teens' prom would it make me sound redundant?
I actually really enjoyed this movie for a variety of reasons, the main one being that it fits almost every slasher flick stereotype I know. Ok, so maybe I actually really liked it because I really like slashers, and this was a decent one. Either way, "Prom Night" is chalk-full of horny, hormone-crazed teenagers, gory dead bodies that somehow pop out in all the right places, a rich spoiled cunt that you really enjoy watching die, a ridiculous and impossible plot, and of course, shitty acting. Oh and let's not forget the ever present underlying moral: Don't even fucking think about premarital sex.
The highlight of this movie is definitely the elaborately choreographed dance scene performed by the 29 year olds trying to look like 17 year olds attending their prom. But then maybe I'm just biased because I wasn't alive to witness, and therefore wasn't given the chance to grow accustomed to the phenomenon known as "disco." I'm fine with my bias.

This movie was so great in it's awfulness, I feel alittle bad giving it a 6.5/10, so I will end saying that even though there is some atrocious acting in this flick centered around Jamie Lee Curtis, it is still incomparable to the recently released embarrassment they pass off as a remake. A teen slasher without a "who done it" ending? What's next, a zombie flick with no gore?

The Fog (1980)

Usually I despise movies with a moral, but can "Don't fuck with lepers" really be considered a moral?
"The Fog" takes place in a small town on the coast of California. As the town prepares to celebrate it's 100th birthday, strange things begin happening to it's residents, and clues begin to be discovered regarding the towns true history (dun DUN DUUNN!!). Turns out that 100 years ago, in order to prevent a colony of lepers from settling nearby, the small coastal community caused a shipwreck, drowning all the settlers. I guess that's one way of solving that problem. Or maybe not... The shipwrecked lepers are back on the 100 year anniversary of the mass murder, and it's not for clam chowder in a bread bowl. The scariest part is that they brought a creepy glowing fog with them, my guess is for easy camouflage.
This movie was truly great. There were some corny parts, like when the star, a radio DJ who works at the top of a light house, broadcasts that her son is alone and needs help, then screams for him to run in all the right parts (how does SHE know the zombie leper ghost is breaking through the door?). Other than the unrealistic omniscient mother, the acting was great, the creatures were terrifying, the plot was strong, and even though I was watching it on my laptop sitting on my couch with my dog right next to me, it still made me jump in places. I guess that's why it won a critics award.
The best part of the movie for me however has nothing to do with vengeful zombie lepers. To me, the best part was seeing two of the most well known scream queens of all time, who happen to be mother and daughter, both in dramatic roles in the same film. I'm referring of course to Janet Leigh and Jamie Lee Curtis, the former being the infamous blond from the shower scene in the original "Psycho," her daughter starring in multiple classic horror movies such as "Halloween" and "Prom Night." What a perfect cast for a great movie!

I would give this movie an 8.5/10.

Trilogy of Terror (1975)

So I downloaded and watched "Trilogy of Terror" last night. I think I'll start with the negatives.

To be honest, parts of this movie made me laugh out loud. Like in the third story, called "Amelia" or something, the leading lady, let me see...Karen Black, that's right, trips on nothing (the carpet maybe?) like four times. But then when you've seen as many horror movies as I have, little things like that are almost expected. There's a part in Texas Chainsaw Massacre 4 where Leatherface is hacking through a door with an axe, and the damsel in distress is standing on the other side, waiting. The problem is that ridiculous-ness may make bad horror movies better, but it makes good horror movies worse, and "Trilogy of Terror" is definitely aspiring to be a good horror movie. The only other complaint I have is that the 2nd story was a little predictable... but then this is 1975. I'm sure I've already seen, and gotten bored with, all the movies that were made after this and completely ripped it off.

Undoubtedly the best part of this film is the amazing acting from the star of all three stories, Karen Black. I was blown away in the 1st one, when at the end she completely changed personalities, and morphed from a doe eyed school teacher into a black widow seductress (that's my own metaphor/analogy! yay me!). Her dual portrayal of sisters in the 2nd story was equally as memorable. I was impressed.

Overall, I would probably give this movie a 6.5/10, and that's only because it's alittle slow in parts. And the ridiculous tripping.

small talk.

My name is Kelley and I'm an aspiring movie critic, except not in the way you're thinking. I only really like B rated Horror Movies, so those are the ones I write about. I've been watching horror movies since I was "knee high to a grasshopper" as your grandmother would say; I'm assuming your grandmother would say it because I don't have a grandmother. So anyway, I write about what I know, and I know whores. I mean horror. Horror Movies.