Halloween

Oh, Yes I did.

It was a tough decision whether or not to review Halloween, especially with the infamous night so quickly approaching. Is it possible that I'm sabotaging myself by setting expectations too high? In case you haven't noticed, I'm a fan of the obscure. And there's a perfectly good reason for that; I simply like to expose unbiased minds to my opinions before they have formed their own. You can't really hate a review if you haven't seen the movie. I sort of trick you into thinking my reviews are thoughtful and original. Such will never be the case with a Halloween review however. Halloween is well known. Mainstream even, and if you don't believe me you haven't been paying close enough attention to your trick-or-treater's over the years. In writing this I am forced to assume anyone stumbling across this little blog has already seen and judged this movie, probably more than once, and will be judging my review much more harshly than the former. May Michael Myers stab you in your sleep. No, I'm just kidding, but to thwart all you haters I'm going to throw a few sequels into this review. I'm probably just weeding out all casual review-loving Halloween fans, allowing for some serious blog insult PWNage that only leet typing, porn downloading, inter-nerdy Halloween fanatics can hurl. Oh well, they can't all be winners.

This seems to be a recurring theme in my blog, but when I think Halloween I think gay sex. No I'm just kidding. Man what has gotten into me tonight? Too much candy corn and South Park maybe... ? Jamie Leigh Curtis is what I meant. I mean, why? Why Jamie, do you have the emotional range of a cucumber? Yeah you've got some lungs on you (take that any way you want), but in Halloween II you look down right anorexic. Didn't anyone tell you that Halloween II takes place on the same fucking night as the original? Even if the paramedics had shot you up with crystal meth and made you jog to the hospital you would have looked better than you did in the sequel. And that scene where you were supposed to be comatose and the nurse finds you? I honestly thought for a second you were pretending to be asleep and just forgot to shut your eyes. Ok, I'm done. For now.
I would have to say that my favorite part of Halloween has got to be Dr. Loomis. Good ol' gun-toting, nut job Dr. Loomis. Dr. Loomis reminds me of one of those homeless guys you see in big cities standing on a soap box declaring that "HE SHALL RETURN AND HIS WRATH SHALL BE MIGHTY!" You'd think that a man with a PhD. in psychology would find a better way of convincing feeble-minded townsfolk that a homicidal maniac is on the loose, but not Dr. Loomis. He keeps on waving his gun and frantically yelling in proper English about someone not being human. But how could you not love a character who returned for four sequels despite his growing ridiculousness, and probably would have returned for more had the actor who played him not died in 1995? But all good things must one day die from complications of heart valve replacement surgery, as Dr Loomis used to say. Sort of a morbid foreshadowing, now that I think of it...
So seriously, how does one sum up such movies as the Halloween series? Their ever lasting presence is undeniable, therefore you are forced to either love them or hate them, and I love them with a passion. Their scenes will be reenacted, characters duplicated, and story lines ripped off, as has been done, for countless horror movies to come, all the while popping out sequels that faithful followers would never dream of missing. Michael Myers will haunt us as long as the tradition of Halloween is celebrated. He will bring a rejuvenated spirit of Halloween to those too young to understand ancient druid rituals. He will scare the shit out of our great, great grandchildren. We should all be so lucky.




"I remember Halloween,
This day anything goes."
-The Misfits